Donations to Discovery

Friday, September 18, 2015

Finding myself.... In Between, Caught in the Middle and on the Outside looking in and the Bottom looking Up.

Another blog post I've been thinking about for a while.... collecting evidence and instances.... waiting for confirmation.

I think I have enough data now so here goes.

First, let me qualify by saying - this is no pity party or search for understanding from friends, family or the general public - cause I wouldn't get much of that anyway.

I write many of these blog posts as a form of self expression, because I like to write and because I hope-believe-think that, perhaps foolishly and naively, some random reader might identify and, dare I say, be helped by my gross attempts at self analysis, self discovery and pontification.

Here's my premise....

I seem to be "caught in the middle" of groups, generations, perspectives, status in many aspects of my life.

Let me begin with the first and perhaps, most important "in between  - caught in the middle" anomaly....

I am married... but I am not married.  I have to be careful here because my wife doesn't like me to talk about this.... but suffice it to say that, while legally married, I have been separated from my wife for over 2 years - living separate lives in different states..... literally and figuratively.

The effect of that is simple - I am married but separated - which is kind of an "in between" social existence.

Enough said....

Moving on.

I am a 53 year old with the heart, body, mind and soul of a 23 year old.

Some might say.... well then it's time to grow up.... to which I say "Fuck you very much".

The effect of this status is that I really don't  think like or have the perspective or opinions of most of my peer age group AND while, I think and act like folks younger than me,  I don't  look the part, thus don't fit into that group either.

Despite my left knee limitations, I remain very active in relatively intense workouts and encourage and exhort those of my age group to participate.  Not a popular or welcome approach in most cases.

I love to dance..... we used to call it "fast dancing" because it wasn't "slow dancing".  Whatever - pop music dancing.  I see very few 50 some odd people in dance clubs.  So I occasionally ask younger people to dance.... and get No's across the board.  Which is probably expected and appropriate.

I have a degree in Chemical Engineering, the epicentre of vocation employment being the Texas Gulf Coast, but I live in Santa Fe NM but work remotely for a company in South Houston part-time.  If that's not fucked up, I don't know what is.

I have a deeply entrenched Southern Culture of food, religion, work ethic and values but have purposely located myself in the Land of the Free and the Home of the "Just do what feels  good, I'm a Vegan....Man, Hi.... this is my Partner (like nobody is married here - WTF?), Look to the White Light, the Inner Sanctum and the Gods of Mother Nature, Ancient Indians and the Winds of Good Fortune, Sand and Time."

And when not caught in the middle of age, culture, geography, opinion and physical activity - I find myself outside of the consensus...

an Outlier in the Dataset of Life.

At CrossFit or Praxis, I'm the oldest guy in the room.

In the Hiking Meet-up, I'm the youngest guy on the trail.

In my Dancing Meet-up, I'm the only one that can dance.

In my PIYO class, the instructor just looks at me like "What planet did you come from" and "Never mind... I don't want to know, but could you please hyperspace back there ASAP?!".

I'm the only one I have ever seen in 10 cities, coast to coast and north to south that walks around with KT on.  People look at me and ask "Are those tattoos?" - to which I answer - Yes - I purposely had the "RockTape" logo tattooed on my legs over and over again.

I eat Paleo and cook 90% of my own food and eat food hotter and spicier than most Hispanics and Thai's.

I say what I think often without a politically correct filter.

I seek routine but often act quickly.

I will try nearly anything as long as I've researched it and think that it will help me in some way.

And in the greatest anomaly of all.... despite my shy, introverted and solo / rogue nature, I am repeatedly told how intimidating I am....

Go figure.

How do I deal with all this?

One breath at a time.

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