Donations to Discovery

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Confirming decisions I have made were correct...

I've made no secret this week was difficult.

But I made a decision to come back to Texas and have the procedure done.

I decided to go into the surgery as fit as my left knee would allow me to be.

I've continued to eat clean this week despite the pain and difficulties.

Finally seeing some light at the end of the pain tunnel

And staying at the right weight.

I decided to have one binge meal and asked my sister to fix pancakes for breakfast.

You can eat like this one or two meals a week and get away with it.... so I did.

This week has been really revealing to me in many ways....

One of those is that I've realized that I have to control my environment in order to control myself.

I've actually lost my temper a couple of times this week.... when I really shouldn't have.

And that has bothered me.

Because I thought I had conquered that beast.

But now I realize if you put the specimen back in the same test tube and introduce the same stimuli, the specimen will respond the same as it always did.

Leopard can't change his spots.... one of my favorite sayings.

I think the negativity of the environment I'm in and the pain and frustration of the surgery and my lack of activity and ability to work out has really set me back mentally, physically and emotionally.

And it's not a good place to be.... the state I'm in.... literally and figuratively.

I am amazed at how much all of this week's happenings have affected me.  Thought I had gotten beyond all that but now realize that my happiness and peace is a fragile thing.

It must be protected and nurtured at all cost.  I'm gonna use this realization and knowledge in consideration of future decision making.

It's something I realized a long time ago....

I was not cut out for the structured and stressful environment of corporate work.....
So I turned to Independent Contracting working remotely out of a home office.
I am not good at living with anyone.
So I have sought solitude.
I hated the heat, humidity, culture and community of the Texas Gulf Coast....
So I moved to the high altitude, cool temps, dry air and open minded and accepting perspective of Santa Fe.

This is my favorite version of this song... and as I listened to the driving rhythm and lyrics....

And that's why they call me
Bad Company
I can't deny
Bad Bad Company till the day I die
Until the day I die
Until the day I die

I realize..... I was right to make the decisions I have made over the last few years.

My emotions this week were definitely in the Red Zone.

People that are around me for very long eventually see the side of me I try to keep hidden.

That's why I don't try to get close to anyone anymore.

It will just end in pain, disappointment and hurt feelings.

A painful and productive week indeed.

A procedure to extend the life of an arthritic knee for a few more years hopefully.

A realization that I will always be what I have always been.

A plan to return to a place of peace and solitude.

My son and I were talking about the concept of self service.

The thesis being that the best way to serve others is to take care of yourself first.

Each person has to walk their own path of Self Discovery.

I decided to take a few steps back on my path.

Found it a rocky road full of pitfalls.

Sometimes seeing where you came from is a good thing.

This time it wasn't.

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