Everybody talks shit these days and the fact is they don't know shit....
About Shit!
So let's begin this little Shit talking blog post with a little education...
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shit
Let's do even better than that and examine the origin of the word Shit...
I like a lot of things about the word "Shit".
First of all - it crosses all ages, nationalities, languages, religions, genders - it's universal, global and effective no matter where you are, what you're doing or who you're talking to.
You hear some 88 year old Japanese woman who can't speak a word of English say "Shit" and you probably know what thought or expression she's trying to convey whether it be a situation where she's eating American Sushi or watching American Idol.
Another thing I like about the word "Shit" is that it can be used as a noun, verb, adjective or interjection which makes it incredibly versatile.
http://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/shit
Noun:
Verb:
Adjective:
Interjection:
Hey - don't laugh.
This is Serious Shit!!
And as Full of Shit as this blog post is, I want to add more Shit to the Pile for you to consider.
Let's talk about....
Your Shit.
No - not your possessions or your baggage in life or today's challenges but specifically...
Your Shit!
And even more specifically, Your Shit as it pertains to your Health and Well Being.
Now let me tell you right off, I'm not a Doctor, so if you wanna talk about the color or consistency of your Shit, you'll have to take up that Shitty conversation with your Doctor.
I wanna keep this simple and talk about Your Shit in reference to your diet based on my own personal experience over the years and some things I've learned along the way.
As impressive to guys as a camode full of Shit is, if you're getting up in the morning and dropping a load that has you calling Roto Rooter for Rescue....
You're probably eating too much!
Shit - in it's purest form and definition - is Waste Product which means that You took in some food and Your Body got everything it could out of it and Shit out the rest. See? There's that noun - verb thing again.
So - if you're sculpting Your Own Mt Everest of Shit every morning - you are probably eating Shit (shitty food) and too much of it (implying that eating any amount of Shit is Ok which it's not).
And you know the expression "Eat Shit and Die!"....
It's not only a prelude to throwing down....
It's also a prediction of your early demise if that's what you do with your diet.
So Whadduya do?
Try the Paleo diet - Meat, Eggs, Veggies, Fruit and Nuts.
This is Good Shit that your body can actually use. You can eat a lot of this Shit and still Shit.... You will just Shit less.
Moving on...
Having problems shitting in the morning?
Drink 2 cups of really hot, super strong coffee with brown sugar and Cream-mate.
Even if you don't Shit, you'll probably have a happier, more productive day.
Ok. Let's look at the other end of the Volume of Shit spectrum....
You don't Shit at all or You're constipated...
Which probably means you're Full of Shit.
This is the problem with most women....
They consider the Whole Process of Shit and Shitting distasteful and to be avoided at all costs.
Ladies - Shitting done in the proper way with the proper technique and volume - is a Mystical almost Religious experience.
So I urge you - to embrace the urge - and change your Shitty perspective on Shitting.
If you're not Shitting, it's likely you're doing one or a combination of the following things wrong:
1. Not eating enough - rare in this World, especially in the South, but possible.
2. You're eating the wrong kind of Shit - too much dairy, fried foods, gluten base products, processed foods - this Shit will plug you up so you can't Shit.
3. You're not eating the right kind of Shit - little or no veggies - Dark, leafy vegetables / salads, peppers (best Shit regulator in the World!), onions, squash, asparagus. This is Good Shit that your body can use.
4. You're eating the Right Kind of Shit but you're cooking the Shit out of it. This is a big problem in the South. They cook vegetables till they're mush and then throw a big wad of animal fat or butter in the Pot of Shit to make it taste better. If they'd've just sauted the veggies in a hot cast iron skillet for a few minutes with some salt and pepper and then added a drizzle of good quality Extra Virgin First Cold Pressing Olive Oil and Red Balsamic Vinegar, they would have a meal of good veggies that would tastes good, satisfy the Palette and set them up for a Good Shit the next morning.
Perfect example... Last time I visited my 86 year old Dad, I asked him how he was doing and he says....
"Well - I guess everything's OK but, Son, I'm all blowed up.... I haven't shit for 3 days".
Holy Shit - that's some serious Shit.... Cause Old People need to Shit...
Or Bad Shit happens.
So, first thing I do is go and open his fridge and take a look-see inside and all I see is....
SHIT!!!!
Cheese, fatty sausage, lunch meat, milk, pie....
I said "Dad - you need to read my blog a little more".
And then I thought about some of the blog posts I had written recently and said....
"Never mind that.... We can fix this.... Lemme take you to lunch!"
So long story longer, I take him to Ryan's or Golden Corral or whatever place it is that old Depression Generation people like to go cause they think they're getting a lot of bang for their buck, and I take him over to the salad bar - cause these places actually have great salad bars - if you stay away from the Bad Shit and just stick with the Good Shit.
And I spread my arms in a sweeping motion outward and said "Behold - Your Salvation".
Well - I didn't really say that but I thought it would sound good for the purpose of this post....
Anyway, I fixed him a heaping pile of Good Shit - Spring Mix, Tomatoes, Radishes, Peppers, Squash, Zucchini, Cantaloupe, Apple, Sunflower Seeds, Raisins...
And I put a liberal amount of olive oil and red balsamic vinegar (NOT a ladle of Ranch Dressing) on it and then dusted it heavy with salt and pepper.
We got to the booth and I sat this heaping helping of Bright and Bountiful Goodness in front of him and said....
"Here - Eat This.... And Get Ready!"
It looked something like one of the salads I make every day...
He looked at me kinda funny and dug in...
And to his credit, the Old Man put the groceries down....
He got through and I asked him....
"So.... How do ya feel?"
He says - "I feel full but not all weighed down like I usually feel after eating".
So we get in the truck and start heading back to his house which ain't but about 10 minutes away.
And I notice he's kinda squirming around and trying to get comfortable in his seat so I asked him....
"You OK?"
And he says "Yeah but can you step on it".
Ahaaa! It's working!
We get to the house and that Poor Old Man sails out of the truck like he's Usain Bolt out of the blocks on the 100m finals.
Needless to say but I'm gonna say it anyway, for the next 15 minutes, the sounds coming out of the bathroom sounded like a battle to the Death between a Man and His Shit!
Courtesy of a Heaping Helping of Fresh Veggies.
My 86 year old Dad emerges from the Battle Room and I swear to God, he looks like he's lost 10 pounds.
His belly is gone.... His face is all drawn up and I say....
"Damn Dad - You OK?"
He answers me in that gruff voice of his...
"Son - I haven't Shit like that in 30 years. Thanks - I needed that. Now - let's go fishing!"
And that's a True Story -
I Shit You Not!!!
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