Discovery Channel Catch-up for the last 18 months

I haven't posted for a LONG time for a LOT of different reasons and not sure that will really change but just to document a bullet list of the high and low points of my life for the last 18 months, here goes:

• December 2017 - March 2018: Had intense lower back pain to the point of being somewhat crippled. Previously had an X-ray in Houston in August 2016 which showed severe spinal stenosis - aka - arthritic deterioration of all the lumbar joints from L2 - S1 with the worst at the L4-L5 vertebrae.  Had an MRI in February 2018 and made a special trip to the same back specialist at the Fondren Orthopedic Group in Houston and he said I needed an L4-L5 fusion procedure. Came back to Santa Fe and had another back specialist look at the MRI and he said the same thing.  Oh and I also had a quarter sized Synovial Cyst at that same L4 - L5 site which was pushing on the nerve root and spinal cord causing the pain and paralysis.  After reviewing the specifications of an L4 - L5 fusion procedure with the recovery time in a back brace for 3 months, I decided NO FUCKING WAY - I'll do this shit myself - not the surgery but figure out how to fix it the Discovery way which of course means going backpacking.  So I spent the month of February trying out my old backpacking gear and then deciding to buy and use some new, modern semi-ultralight gear. On March 23, 2018, I had an ESI - Epidural Steroid Injection - basically a cortisone injection to the spine - by Dr Shelby Bennett at X-Ray Associates. 3 days later....
• March 26, 2018 - September 29, 2018: Did the Continental Divide Trail from the Mexican border at Crazy Cook, NM through New Mexico and through Colorado to Steamboat Springs, CO. Then skipped up to Montana and did the Montana / Canadian border south to Lincoln, MT. I did it about a 400 - 500 mile section at a time coming back to my home in Santa Fe NM to work for a few days and prep / dehydrate my own food - pork loin, sweet potato, other veggies, fuji apple, pineapple, etc. and pack the next section's food and supplies and shipping it to the post office or lodging where I would come off the trail every 100 miles or so.  156 days on the trail and 1900 miles later and my back was cured.  Hardest thing I've ever done physically, mentally and emotionally. Totally alone backpacking the most beautiful scenic trail in the US and arguably the World.  To date, the greatest Discovery adventure of all time.
• September 30, 2018 - March, 2019: Came back to the Real World and tried the Bumble dating thing which was an unmitigated disaster. Also found out I had no work from my former employer so went into what I call "Income Crisis" budget mode which basically means I cut my budget to the bare minimum. Lived cheaper than I ever have in my life. During this time, started doing a LOT of research, reading, YouTube video viewing on diet, nutrition, longevity, life extension, etc. and started a "modified" clean Keto eating plan which consisted of about 50% fat, 35% protein, 15% carbs based on calories. Also started intermittent fasting / time restricted eating which means I would only eat between 2 pm - 7 pm every day so would fast anywhere from 18 -  23 hours between meals. Terms / concepts / body mechanisms like Insulin Resistance, Autophagy, Ketosis, etc. became a daily routine of pursuing my lifetime passion of good food, intense exercise and improved health and well being based on the latest and greatest research studies and practical application by people like Dr Eric Berg, Dr. Rhonda Patrick, Siim Land, Thomas DeLauer, etc.  Dropped weight from 186 lbs to 175 lbs with a corresponding decrease in bodyfat level and increase in strength and fitness.
• April 2019 - date: The whole eating plan / nutrition / exercise cycle continued with my weight dropping to a Summer 2014 previous low of 165 with a minimum bodyfat level of 5%.  Best physical shape I've ever been in. Also the work / income drought ended.  As noted in the previous post, my Dad died on 5/3/19 and I was named as Executor and have been spending a lot of time dealing with that.  Based on research on injury rate vs low bodyfat level and partly just needing a break from the strict regimen I had been on for the last 6 months, I increased my calories from 2000 - 2500 per day to 2500 to 3000 per day and brought my weight up to 170 lbs which seems to be a good compromise between low body fat level, energy and strength and endurance.  Unlike every other summer since I've been in Santa Fe which has been compromised by trips back to Texas for surgeries, work and of course, 2018, when I was on the CDT, I decided to just relax and stay in Santa Fe this summer and enjoy the Plaza Bandstand and other live music / dancing venues. My personal life and personal views of Santa Fe haven't really changed. In fact, I am more isolated than ever. I sleep, cook, eat, work out, go out and dance by myself. I've tried to make connections in Santa Fe but it just hasn't worked which is fine.  I've pretty much decided I will live the rest of my life alone and I am good with that. I have created a pretty good, simple life and lifestyle for myself and really have nothing to complain about.

So - there you go - now you know what's been happening in the.....

Discovery Zone.

The Life and Times of William Byrd Miller aka Bill Miller

Let's see.... how do I introduce this post especially given that I haven't posted in a while - which is kind of a story in and of itself.

Let me keep this simple and straightforward.

My Dad - William Byrd Miller - aka Bill Miller - died May 3, 2019. He was 91 years old.

About a year and a half ago, he gave me a hand-written transcript of his life biography.

After reading it thoroughly several times, I set down with him with his life story and asked him many questions of clarification, detail and curiosity.

What resulted was the following record of my Dad's life which I read at his funeral service.

Frankly, it explains or at least gives some context, for why he was the way he was - and I mean the Good and the Bad and the Ugly.

I'm glad that he chose to share it with me and that I was able to share time with him about his life and that I can bring the final result of our sharing to you.

The Life and Times of William Byrd Miller

These are the notes that compose the life chronology and story of William Byrd Miller – Bill Miller – this is Bill’s autobiography.

This record is transcribed from a manuscript handwritten by Bill Miller and delivered to his son, William B. Miller Jr, on or about 12/15/17.

Parts of this record are from handwritten notes taken by William B Miller Jr. on the manuscript provided by Bill Miller.

Beginning of Autobiographical Manuscript Transposition:

My Father was Virgil Allen Miller who died at 39 years of age.

My Mother was Hattie Miller who died at 81.

I was the 7^th child and the 6^th and youngest boy.

I had 1 sister younger than myself, Virgie.

I was born into a family of 8 children in Newton County, Texas on the Old Wiley Newton Place. I was the son of a tenant farmer. I lived in an old farm house with a dog trot through the middle of it. All bedrooms were on the left side of the house. There was no bathroom and no plumbing but plenty of air holes providing natural air conditioning.

My family, as I remember was my mother, father, sister and 5 brothers.  We farmed and raised Cheshire hogs, milk cows, mules and horses. We had no machinery – everything was horse-driven. We had fruit trees and a garden with peas, sweet potatoes, red potatoes, corn and a few watermelons, mush melons and onions. We smoked our own meat and killed and ate wild game.

My father worked part-time for the lumber company driving a shay – a piston type locomotive that hauled logs on rail cars to the mills.

But to keep our family fed, my father made moon shine, that is, illegal whisky aka “White Lightning”. I was told his White Lightning was the Best in the County. The Sheriff even bought from him. The County Law didn’t bother him about this. They knew my dad was caring for his family. The County Law would warn him of an upcoming raid by the Revenuers – the Feds.

My father would move his still deeper into the woods and let them destroy his old one. He would bury the moonshine in quarts and gallons near the house and dig them up when they were to be sold.  This provided enough cash money to buy a new Model T and to take vacations as far away as San Antonio, Tx to the Zoo.

But this all came to an end with his drowning death in 1929 when I was only 2 years old. My brothers were 16, 14, 12, 8 and 6 and my sister was 10 years old.  My younger sister had not yet been born.  I only remember barrels of peas, plenty of milk, fruit and meats.

After my father’s death in 1929, the bottom fell out of Life for me and my family. Without revenue and management, we hit the bottom.  Everything was lost. I moved to Newton with my brother, Willie, who worked for pennies at the box factory. We built a shack in the woods from discards from the box factory. It had no floor and was one room with a kitchen, kerosene lamps and an outhouse. Starvation set in.

After 2 years of this, my mother and brother, Willie, working at the box factory, could not feed us. One brother, Reuben, went to live in town with the man at the service station. Another brother left with the skating rink that came through town and a 3^rd brother, Ernest, shined shoes. Another worked on cars and Clyde, along with old Nell, the one-eyed mule, worked clearing land for room and board + 50 cents a day. Both sisters stayed home with Mama and me.

I started to school at 6 in Newton. At the end of the school year, May 1933, Mama left me on a street corner by the Post Office. The Postman took me to my Aunt Maude and Uncle Polly. I stayed with them all summer. They brought me back to Newton at the last of August and my brother, Willie, took me home with him and I lived with Willie and a widow woman with a girl.

Then I moved to my other brother, Reuben’s house.  He took me to Mr. Mayer’s house on the creek that fall.

Mr. Mayer bought 40 acres on the Railroad tracks. He had started clearing land, using the trees to split for rail fences. I carried water from the spring to the house. The house was constructed of logs. There was a fireplace and a barn and a zig zag rail fence with interlocking ends around the property.

At 65 years old, Mr. Mayer man married an 18-year old girl named Bessie. He played fiddle and grew and harvested his own tobacco. He bought 300 chickens and I got one.  I came down with malaria and got a hernia at 7 years old from carrying 3-gallon water buckets from the Spring to the house. In addition, every day, I walked 2 miles to school.

One day, Mr. Mayer whipped me badly because I was late getting home from school because I stopped to watch a man breaking wild horses. I never went home again.

The next day I went home with Mrs. Lindsay, the school teacher and Lawyer’s wife. Mr. Lindsay, the lawyer, looked like Abe Lincoln – 6’6” with a small waist. It was a totally new environment. Mrs. Lindsay became the School Principal and Mr. Lindsay became a governor-appointed District Judge. Mr. Lindsay wrote a letter to the Miller family relatives in Luling asking permission to adopt me because he and his wife couldn’t have kids. I was guaranteed a full college education in the letter.

Instead of this dream life to be, I was taken away to Luling, Texas the next June by my Uncles David and Vincent Miller, sister Pearl and Grandma. Grandma Miller denied the lawyer’s request to adopt me because she didn’t want my name to be changed but she didn’t have room for me to live with her, so I went to live with my Uncle Ed and Aunt Jamie with their 3 children.

Things got better again and then bad because Uncle Ed lost his job. I went back to Grandma’s, but she couldn’t take care of me, so then I went to Jack Weeks in Pettis, Tx.  Then I went to Aunt Lee for a while in Freer, Tx at a Humble Oil Camp. At that point, I was in 4^th grade. Then I went back to Grandma’s.

Next, I went to live with Mr. and Mrs. Wadsworth. He worked for Magnolia Oil. I stayed with them for a year and completed 5^th grade. They had 2 daughters but no son and wanted to adopt me also. They were great people, Assembly of God Christians. I joined the church and was baptized in the San Marcos River in Luling, Texas. The 2^nd adoption request was also refused.

Following the refusal of the 2^nd adoption request, I went back to Grandma’s. I was taken to Sister Pearl’s who was married to a man named Harold Ammons. Then, I was moved to brother Clyde’s. Then I moved to brother Willie’s house in Fannett, Tx.

At that point, I was 13 years old and graduated 7^th grade. I moved to Beaumont in 1940 and went to Amelia School for 8^th grade and lived with oldest brother, Clyde again. After that, I went to Catholic School with the neighbors.

My brothers, Reuben and Clyde moved to South Texas and I went to Fairfield, Illinois with my sister Pearl and her husband, Harold to help with Pearl’s babies – 6 months, 2 years and 3 years old. I stayed with them 2 years and completed 10^th and 11^th grade.

Then I moved back to Beaumont and lived with brother Willie to finish high school at Beaumont High at 17 years old. Following graduation, I went back to Illinois to live with sister Pearl and went to work in the oil field at 18. I stayed there for 2 years and was called to the service and failed the test because of a broken arm that was still in a sling from an oil field accident.  The war ended shortly after that.

I came back to Luling in 1947 and stayed about a year and a half. I worked in the oil patch at 21 years old and got oil poisoning which resulted in 125 boils and a carbuncle on my body.

I met a woman named Geraldine and rejoined the Assembly of God Church. I heard wedding bells, but it fell through. I left never to return. I wanted to go to college but could not pass the Army tests for the 2^nd time.

I went back to Beaumont and remained there. I did a variety of jobs including carpenter work, working on oil trucks, working at a service station and for the propane company as a service man in 1949.

I met my first wife, Viola, in 1951 and we were married within 2 weeks. I was 23 years old.

The first 5 years of marriage, we followed the Oil Rigs all over Texas. I had another accident on a Rig and quit the job and went to work for National Linen Service as a Route Salesman for 2 years. I quit that job and went to work for Lance Crackers for 18 months. I went back to National Linen Service and worked there until 1977 when I was 50 years old.

I then worked for Texas Commerce Bank until 1992 and retired.

I was divorced from Viola in 1994 and married to Mary that same year.

Mary died in 2008 and I married Diane in 2011.

As I mentioned earlier, my mother left me in 1933, but the family found her in 1964 along with my younger sister, Virgie.

I spent my retirement years continuing to work doing mowing and general maintenance work and doing the things I love most – gardening, hunting and fishing.

I worked hard and played hard everyday of my life and left a legacy of hard work and independence that is an example for my kids and the rest of the world of a life lived well.

I appreciate all of you being here to celebrate my Life and my Death.

My name is Bill Miller and this was my Life.

If you want to live a Longer, Healthier, Happier Life - listen to Dr. Rhonda Patrick

Being a leading proponent of Discovery, which also entails learning new things and putting them into practice, I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to do things better, especially living better.

And in my recent reviews and research into living better, a name keeps popping up on YouTube podcasts, videos, presentations, etc.

Dr. Rhonda Patrick

After listening to several hours of her talk, I am convinced she is the real deal - with real credentials - with real research or references to real research.

Basically - she knows her shit.

I can't even begin to try to relate all the important areas of research that her presentations detail but suffice it to say, it's life changing.

What I am going to do is to introduce you to her world which, if taken seriously, will rock your world.

For the better.

So here's Dr. Rhonda Patrick's website:

https://www.foundmyfitness.com/

One of the most interesting new topics for me was Sulforaphane.

Sulforophane Wiki info

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sulforaphane

Benefits

https://primalherb.com/the-14-most-amazing-benefits-of-sulforaphane/

And here's a few Dr. Rhonda Patrick's YouTube links on sulfurophane - perhaps the most important micronutrient of them all.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zz4YVJ4aRfg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Yh4fjOFfDo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7buU-PK7_I

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UqxC2RDF64

Micronutrient Smoothie -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ys86ZgjQQYg&t=359s

And then there's the whole time restricted eating thing -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m6KClPkotxM

Diet, Exercise, Hyperthermic Conditioning on Gene Expression

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjgMzS5b_QM

And here is a link from Dr. Patrick's website to the many podcasts she has done with leading individuals in the fields of disease prevention, increased longevity, mental health, diet and nutrition, physical performance, etc.

https://www.foundmyfitness.com/episodes

The bottom line is that we are learning more everyday about how to live a Longer, Healthier and Happier Life and there's a lot of detailed research and long term studies being done on specific mechanisms, approaches, activities and diet, nutrition, exercise, stress control methods and materials  and the results of that research is important to you and your health.

So avail yourself of that knowledge and then put it into practice.

There are Many Mirages in the Desert...

But it only takes One Oasis to Save a Life.

This concept and statement came up in a text conversation I was having with a lady on Bumble.

And Yes - I have recently succumbed to the world of on-line dating.  Well at least for a month or 2 which frankly has probably been a month or 2 too long.

I was always of the mind that you should meet people in the natural course of life but have realized that, after being in Santa Fe NM for 4 years, the natural course of meeting someone my age that is single and not so whacked out on their pets or politics or organic food or not wearing makeup that they represent a reasonable prospect for anything other than hidden aversion.... is pretty fucking slim.

Couple that with a 6-month hiatus from Society in the form of a solo 1900 mile trek on the Continental Divide Trail this year and I decided that once I got back to the relational desert of Santa Fe NM, I would give the on-line dating thing a try and got a couple of recommendations on Bumble so I gave it a try.

And I've learned a few things in the short time and the few experiences I've had with Bumble and the women on it.

The main thing is that, just like me, other people my age have a lot of baggage that comes with them - from past relationships, divorces, kids, their parents, siblings, family, deaths, struggles with alcohol, drugs, food, obesity, family violence - you name it.  Most of the time the reason people are single at my age is because they had problems in the past. Period.

So not only do you have to struggle with your own problems, you also have to learn about and deal with the problems of some new person you're trying to get to know.

And from the few women I have corresponded with on Bumble and the even fewer women I've met in person from Bumble, there are a lot of shitty guys out there that have only their own best interest in mind.

I hate to say "All the good ones are already taken" because I'm sure there's a lot of wonderful older single women out there but the problem is there's a lot of fucked up ones out there too... just like the guys.

And you gotta swipe 1000 sand dunes to the left to get to 100 mirages on the right to get to that 1 Oasis in the Desert.

And by that time...

It could be too late to Save a Life and your Love.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjVQ36NhbMk

I can't Drown my Demons - They know how to Swim!

I was listening to a Bullet for my Valentine iHeart channel the other day and heard the song "Can You Feel My Heart?" from Bring Me the Horizon -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6AVRCQBc59w

and this lyric popped into my earbuds and into my consciousness and made me think about an equally catchy lyric I had heard before in the Eminem song "I'm not Afraid" - which incidentally is one of my all-time fave songs -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5-yKhDd64s

"But it's time to exercise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!"

And both of these songs and those particular lyrics made me think about my own demons, because they possess some pretty unique qualities.

You see - my demons are smart, capable, resilient and in good shape.

They know how to swim, how to hide, how to camouflage, morph and cloak themselves.  They are strong, fast, have endurance and patience and know how to adapt to their changing surroundings and environment and, most importantly, they know their Host very well.

I used to think my greatest Demon was Anger - or at least how I expressed Anger.

But I'm not even sure I can call Anger a Demon anymore - maybe more of a Core Characteristic.

And I have pretty much figured out that Anger is almost always preceded by someone trying to force their will on me - repeatedly. To try to put me in my place or better yet - a more convenient place for the person seeking to impose their will on me.

So my Demon Anger is kind of like my Protector.  It defines my boundaries and my limitations and the line between my willingness and capability to be able to accept or deal with other people's bullshit.

My Anger draws a line in the Sand between me and that other person that says "Hey Asshole - you cross this line and one of us is going down!"

It's kind of weird because you just don't hear people talk about Anger anymore. It's been so vilified and hated and locked up and drugged and beaten down that nobody ever admits they have this Demon. And maybe they don't.  Good for them.

I guess another of my Demons that has emerged lately is something I would call Life Apathy.

ap·a·thy

/ˈapəTHē/

noun

1. 
   

   lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern.

   
   

   "widespread apathy among students"

   
   

   synonyms:

   indifference, lack of interest, lack of enthusiasm, lack of concern, unconcern, uninterestedness, unresponsiveness, impassivity, dispassion, lethargy, languor, ennui; rareacedia "widespread apathy among the voters"

I've always been kind of a Loner, but after spending nearly 5 months alone on the Continental Divide Trail this year, I think I realized I am really apathetic about the World around me and the People in it.

I kinda had a Sunday Come to Jesus Moment very late in my 1900 mile trek where I realized that the only Swinging Sonofabitch I could count on in this Life was Me.

I was really the only One in my Life who was genuinely concerned, interested and who cared about Me.

Some might argue that I have driven People away with my Anger thus creating Isolation.  That may be true but I would submit that People's behavior toward me forced me into Isolation.

And that little Life Learning and the Complete Independence that ensued has brought a Sense of Certainty, Finality, Resolution and Peace to my Life.

I got nothing. I want nothing. Nothing really matters. Which is to say I have eliminated most of the Negative Perturbations that have historically disrupted the Equilibrium of my Life.

Which brings me to my last Demon for Discussion - and that is Self-Sabotage.

I actually wrote a post on this a while back -

https://willsonwheels.blogspot.com/search?q=self+sabotage

There's probably not a whole lot of new info to add to that other than I am convinced that what some people would describe as Self-Sabotage is my way of putting an end to something before it becomes a truly destructive force in my life.

Maybe I set my expectations too high but it takes a lot to keep me interested which may be where that Demon Life Apathy comes in.  At this point in my Life, I really don't need or want anything from anybody, I'm not trying to conquer the world or make a lot of money or raise a family or have a lasting relationship.

I've gotten kind of tired and lazy and wracked with Pain and I really just don't have the Initiative, Energy and Motivation to put out the work, sacrifice, compromise and constant vigil not to mention the money, to start any new endeavor.

Perhaps my Self-Sabotage is just a way of keeping me out of trouble.

Could that be the point of this whole self-analysis?

Maybe My Demons know me better than I do and they're just looking out for me.

And to think - all this time I've been trying to get rid of them.

The Truth is Always Visible - No Matter where it Lies

I know I know - is that a catchy play on words or what?  I actually made that up - well it just popped into my head as a result of a text conversation I was having with a friend of mine.

But, in Truth, pardon the pun, it's been a recurring theme in my Life - not because I have any personal ownership of it but because it seems to be a Core Characteristic - one of those things I just can't get away from or hide.

I can probably count on one hand the number of times I haven't been truthful in my life and on those same counts, I can count the number of times things turned out bad because I abandoned the Truth for what I thought, at the time, was some overriding, self-serving or self-defending outcome.

You see I don't have a very good Poker Face. I can't hide my feelings when something or someone pisses me off and I don't try to think of 7 different approaches for diplomatically stating my feelings so that I save the feelings of another person.

For me, the Truth simply stated - and I will use words like Direct and Open - is a Sacred and Necessary thing in my Life.

I hold the Truth to be self-evident because it gives me certain inalienable rights -

Like knowing WTF I'm up against and who I'm dealing with - in Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.

We live in a society where TMI is a cute acronym that makes you sound so judicious and ethically and behaviorally restrained and proper in your delivery of information.

As far as I'm concerned, there's no such thing as TMI, as long as it's the Truth.

Let's take an example of meeting and getting to know someone in a social situation - like a date or dating.

If you have certain characteristics, perspectives, viewpoints, lifestyles, strengths, weaknesses - I think you should let the other party know as soon as possible what those things are.

And I don't mean - oh I like music or hiking or dogs or whatever.

I'm talking about things that define who and what you are and what you aren't and what you can and can't put up with.

I tell people right up front - I can't deal with incompetence, I cuss a lot, whatever you do - Don't do the Socratic Method on me, and I, on rare occasions, have issues with Anger Management - and I'll tell them how to avoid "Pushing my Button".

Which is like waving a red flag in front of a bull - I mean isn't that stupid - that People will actually set out to do what you ask them not to do.

And then they're all shocked and dismayed when the Bull charges and runs over their ass.

So yeah - sometimes the Truth is Brutal.

But for the most apart, the Truth saves Time, Effort and Money.

I was talking to this one lady the other day and in the course of the conversation, she revealed she didn't cook, drank a lot and was bi-sexual.  Ok - that's 3 no-go's for me.

And I remember another first date conversation where the lady explicitly stated that she was only interested in men with big dicks.  Uh yeah - let me disqualify myself ma'am.

And then there's the lady where "I Love You" meant I just want to fuck you and have you as an on-call escort and companion when I come into town.  It took me a while to figure that one out but the Truth always comes out - sooner or later.

"I'm there for you" - when it's convenient for me and doesn't take up too much of my time - oh and I didn't realize you want me to be there for you like 4, 5 or 40 days in a row.  Had that little Truth lie to me a few times too.

"I don't do Sarcasm" - that's a good one for me to know because in the Sarcasm blood type, I am O-Positive.

And then there's those things that aren't True, but People perceive to be True - there's that Confirmation Bias thing again.

I can't tell you how many times that people have assumed that just because I'm an Engineer that I'm an Anal Retentive Left-Brained Only Rigid Asshole.

I'll claim Asshole but none of the other is True.

Or that because I come from Texas I am a Two-Stepping Trump Supporting Conservative.

The Truth is I don't like Two-Stepping or any other structured dancing that requires a prescribed step pattern and I am Conservative about some things and Liberal about others. And am basically apolitical and ambivalent about politics in general.

The Truth is that I have a lot fewer Social filters than most people when it comes to speaking the Truth which has gotten me in trouble quite a few times but kept me out of trouble 20 times that.

And because I'm smarter than the average stump and have an acute attention for detail, I can usually figure out what's coming at me -

The Truth or a True Lie.

Fuck Good Intent - I'm Outcome Driven!

This is a Post Title and Concept that's been a long time in the making.

Like a Life Time Long Time.

It has so many applications, experiences and lessons learned and bridges burned associated with it that it challenges my simple but overactive mind to focus on the essentials and capture the meaningful nuggets on paper.

But as usual I'll try and we'll see where it leads us.

First off it's been a while since I've published a post... which as usual reminds me of a song.

https://youtu.be/araU0fZj6oQ

And it's been awhile since I've fucked things up as bad as I did this year - well at least as far as relationships go.

But at the heart of the matter of fucking things up is this gap - ehhh - more like a canyon between the concept and application of Intent and Outcome.

So lemme do a little ramble through the valley between Intent and Outcome with some examples and thoughts on how it impacts, directs and defines my life and maybe you'll learn something or at least get a laugh at this poor bastard who is so affected by the difference between the two.

I never really grasped the art and nuance of manipulation of people or of camouflaging the path of approach of my efforts or desires to get what I wanted or what was best for me.

I've often been told - "You know William - it's not what you say - it's how you say it".

WTF does that even mean anyway?  See what I mean - it's that kind of thought and exclamation process that gets me in trouble.

Good Intent winds its way through paved roads and green pastures of human emotional delicacy and arrives at its destination without getting the tires of feelings and emotions muddy, without ruts in the lawns of our minds and without the need for a car wash to get all the nasties off the vehicle of our body after the journey is done.

Outcome Driving takes the 4WD shortcut to Grandma's house through the woods where the mudholes are deep and you just have to take the RPM's to Red-Line to keep the wheel speed up and blow through on momentum only.  And sometimes you get stuck out in the middle of nowhere - by yourself - with this approach.  So Outcome Driver beware - it can be a long and lonely road.

Good Intent is saying you care but not putting out the effort to show you care.

The Outcome Driver is the one that forgets the right words and remembers the wrong words but is always there when you need them.

Good Intent worries about Office Politics and carefully examines the personality and characteristics of every participant in a meeting before offering an opinion or voicing a direction.  Sometimes short on meaningful content but always long on consideration.... self-consideration.  He / She calculates the impact - especially negative impact aka effort - that will be involved in whatever they represent to the world.  Good Intent is Long on Looks and Short on Action.  Low on Personal Risk and High on Self Reward.

The Outcome Driver says and does what is Best - period - interested only in the Right and the Truth and the Facts.  He / She sacrifices themselves for the Best Outcome - It is less about the Best Outcome for them as it is the Best Outcome for the situation.

Being Outcome Driven means you define what you need to others - you lay it out in specific terms.  It's not cloudy or vague or nebulous.  And it's largely based on Show Me vs Tell Me.

Again - Good Intent is Thought, Feeling and Emotion centered - Outcome Driven is Action and Destination focused - think shortest distance between 2 points is a straight line.

Good Intent starts Wars and Outcome Driven finishes them.

Outcome Driven does its homework and focuses on Tangibles, on the hard line of Reality that leads to the Truth and is dismayed at the efforts of the Good Intenders to avoid Commitment, Responsibility and Loyalty in deference to Self-Consideration.

Good Intent is a Hand Wave while Outcome Driven is a Finger Point.

Outcome Driven cuts through Bullshit and exposes Weakness and Selfishness and Lack of Commitment - it separates the Wheat from the Chaffe - that's why it's so vilified.

It asks questions when it doesn't know the answer not because it is trying to lead another person to enlightenment or to the Good Intent point of view.

The Socratic Method - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Socratic_method - is a beautiful and effective method of communication and idea exchange that has been bastardized by Good Intenders into a "Lead the Stupid Horse to Water" mind fuck technique.

It has become Manipulation 101 in Today's Society.

Lemme tell ya something folks - if you're trying to tell me something or you want me to know something -

Just fucking tell me.

Don't play 20 Questions to show me how much smarter you are than I am.

Good Intent is a Question - Outcome Driven is an Answer.

Good Intent is silent or at best mumbles - Outcome Driven speaks loudly and clearly.

Good Intent suggests a path to solution.  Outcome Driven leads the way.

Good Intent is continuously compromising because it submits to feelings and emotions that change like the winds and whims of the humans they are attached to while Outcome Driven rarely compromises because its only Master is Truth and Right which is rarely misunderstood but often avoided.

Good Intent is Conventional Wisdom.  Outcome Driven is Independent Thinking.

And Yes - I do realize Good Intent is Nicer than Outcome Driven.

But it's only because of the Nature of the World we live in.  The World is dominated by Good Intent now because the World is a much "Nicer" place to live in.  It rewards Weakness and dissuades Strength.

Go back 200 years and Good Intent would get its ass kicked by Outcome Driven.

It's amazing to me how many people that I meet and get to know that tell me - "You're so Open and Direct.  I've never met anybody like that.  It's so refreshing.  I like that".

Outcome Driven is Transparent.  It says what it means and it means what it says.  It's less about the Talk and more about the Walk.

Good Intent feeds you a little bit of information at a time because it is afraid if you knew the whole story you would run like hell in the opposite direction - which is usually the right course of action.

Outcome Driven is Full Disclosure.  It saves times, money and feelings.

Good Intent is the Sand on the Beach - shifted by wind and washed out by tide.

Outcome Driven is a stake driven deep in the ground that says You can run circles around this sumbitch cause it ain't moving.

Good Intent is an Apology.  Outcome Driven is a Delivery.

Good Intent fears Uncertainty because Uncertainty invariably requires Responsive Action not Standby Consideration.

Outcome Driven embraces Uncertainty because in its Challenge it represents Adaptation, Growth and New Knowledge and most importantly - the Risk of Failure.

And therein lies the main difference between Good Intent and Outcome Driven.

Good Intent never Fails - never does anything wrong - never is to blame - never is responsible or culpable - and can always be defended, explained and rationalized by circumstance, environment or human nature - I call this Good Intended rebuttal "lawyer speak" aka psychobabble - which actually does injustice to lawyers and psychologists / psychiatrists because the Good Intenders performing it usually have no formal training in either field - they just act as they do.

You know why Good Intent never Fails?

Cause Good Intent never did a Fucking thing in its entire life.

It just sat there in the Peanut Gallery and jeered while Outcome Driven tried....

And Failed.

So Yeah - I sometimes say the Wrong Things - letting my thoughts and emotions fall down on my tongue without due consideration.

I sometimes Challenge those with Convictions based on Mass Media not Due Diligence.

And I sometimes beat a Dead Horse.

But I try continuously and consciously to Challenge Myself with my own motivations.

Does that make me better than anybody else?

Naaa.... Just different from most in my estimation.

So let's wrap this little soapbox up with an old proverb and a quote from a guy that seeks Wisdom.

The Road to Hell is paved with Good Intentions...

But the Road to Discovery is Driven by Outcome.

William Miller is sharing their location

William Miller is sharing their location at the MapShare website: https://share.garmin.com/WilliamMiller2

Password: Discovery

My CDT Garmin GPS track. Left East Glacier Park MT and will be NOBO to the Canada border then back to EGP and SOBO to Butte – 40 days.

Do not reply directly to this message.

To learn more about MapShare and the inReach two-way satellite communicator, visit http://explore.garmin.com/inreach.

So wheh Ya been for the last 7 months Discovery???

Ya wouldn't believe me if I told you... But I'll tell ya anyway.

I have been hiking the Continental Divide Trail - CDT - alone.

Yep - can you believe that?

Been a dream of mine for over 20 years.

And I am doing it.

Started at the Mexico - New Mexico border in the NM bootheel at the CDT Southern Terminus at Crazy Cook on March 26th.

Did the first 85 Miles to Lordsburg in 5 days.

Came back to Santa Fe for a week went back and did Lordsburg NM to Ghost Ranch NM came back to Santa Fe for 10 days.

Went back to Ghost Ranch NM and continued to Silverthorne CO. Back to SF for 10 days.

Then just completed Silverthorne to Streamboat Springs CO.

Now in a shuttle from Steamboat Springs to Denver airport. Will be back in SF for a few days then a 3 day dove hunt in Texas and then will "flip flop" on the CDT by flying into Kalispell MT, shuttling to East Glacier and then hiking to the Northern Terminus of the CDT at the US - Canada border and starting SOBO - southbound in CDT vernacular. Will go as far south on the CDT as I can till the snow / cold weather stops me.

Have done 1400 CDT Miles and almost 2000 actual miles (measured by iPhone Health app) so far and it has been the most challenging physical, mental and emotional thing I have ever done in my life.

But I have learned a ton, am in great shape and have seen the most beautiful country I have ever seen.

Will be detailing my adventure of 10 lifetimes with links to pics and videos that capture the difficulty and incredible wilderness beauty of this grandest of the American Scenic Trails.

Yep - Discovery is doing the CDT!

Standing on the Shaky Ground between Have To and Want To

I was trying to remember the inspiration / situation for the title of this post and I think it was another one of those past random conversations I had with the Blonde Bombshell at Praxis. I think we were both bitching about not wanting to do our own respective workouts and she uttered that magnificent one liner that provides the title to this post.

But frankly, there's a lot of situations in life that pose that internal and external struggle, that is, doing What You Have To vs What You Want To.

But I want to stay practical and functional on this post and relate a few experiences from my own life which can be summarized in the following 2 categories applicable to "Have to vs Want to":

1. Educational / Vocational
2. Relational

From my own experience and through observation of others, I have found that a lot of situations of Have to vs Want to originate with Financial Security / Independence. I mean - let's face it - you gotta make a living right?

And here's the little trick that so many people miss and / or that so many parents don't share with their kids and I'm going to Red Bold this concept / statement for importance.

You have to match your education and the resulting career / vocation with an income and long term earning potential that will support the kind of lifestyle you want to live.

And that requires someone in the process to know about how much it costs to live - which implies or actually specifies - that someone has made out a projected budget or has some general rules of thumb on cost of living.

For example, I know that for a single, young person to live in today's world and have their own apartment / house / place to live, a decent car / transportation, adequate medical insurance, decent food and supplies, pay the utilities and the cell phone bill, have TV and cable, have any kind of leisure activities / entertainment and going out to eat AND putting money into a retirement fund (401k, 403b, IRA, etc) - blah blah blah - yes, I'm listing all the items in a budget - it takes between

$60000 - $70000 per year in gross income minimum!

And I'm talking in a "non-inflated area" for real estate / rental / cost of living so this doesn't apply in New York, Boston, San Francisco, etc.

Because when you take out Income Tax (18 - 25%), Social Security (7.65%) and Medicare (2.2%) and potentially state income tax (depending on where you live and work - another 8 - 10%) and at least another 10% into savings, you're left with around $32500 net based on $65000 gross.

And that's only $2700 per month - which sounds like a lot of money but ain't jack shit when you look at the cost of housing, car payments and medical insurance these days - just to name 3 of the biggest budget outlays.

I mean you gotta look ahead at the time period for actually working which is say, 30 - 40 years, and then the time period after you quit working and make sure that whatever work or vocation you're considering doing at age 20 - 25, matches up income-wise so that you can do a few things you want to do while you're doing the things you have to do - the biggest of which, is working.

So - Vocation has to match Cost of Living in the Lifestyle you choose or you may end up doing a whole lot of Have to and very little Want to.

Let me give you 2 personal examples of how I have seen this work out.

Many who know me - which are few - have heard this little life anecdote.

When I was a Senior in High School at the then Forest Park High (now Westbrook) in Beaumont Tx, there was a Career Fair in the School Cafeteria and I can remember walking into the cafeteria from the long hall and pausing at the entrance and looking to my left and seeing a table / booth for Texas Parks and Wildlife.

And anybody that knows me knows I was Nature Boy growing up - See this post for a description of that -  http://willsonwheels.blogspot.com/2017/12/william-party-of-one.html

Bottom line is I wanted to be either a Park Ranger or a Game Warden.

So naturally I followed the Pursuit of my Passion and walked over to the TPWD booth and started talking to them and in the course of the potential career conversation, I asked....

"So how much does a Game Warden make?"

$12000 / year was their reply - now this was in October, 1979.

Now let me tell you if you don't know - I grew up poor - dirt poor.  We didn't miss any meals and never resorted to welfare but we probably should have.

And because of that, I started working making money at age 7 mowing yards and helping a local live bait retailer seine carp and minnows and helping him with odd jobs around his truck farm.

Then at 10, I started working in an auto parts store and at 12, I was pressure washing and painting houses.

What's the point of this little childhood and adolescent career description?

Hell - by the age of 12, I knew the value of a dollar and what it took to make it and what it bought and didn't buy because I bought clothes and groceries and things I needed with my money cause my parents weren't making enough to supply me everything I wanted and needed.

So - bottom line, at 17 years old - I knew $12000 per year wouldn't pay for my bottom line when I was 20 - 21 years old.

A little discouraged, I turned from the TPWD booth and literally walked to the opposite side of the career fair on the right side of the cafeteria - interesting how they were 180 degrees juxtaposed from one another - and walked up to the table with the "Lamar University School of Chemical Engineering" banner hung over it.

And I was pretty good at math and science in high school so I asked the lady sitting behind the table how much a chemical engineer made....

$24000 per year!

Aha - a Career is born.

This was a major crossroads in my life because I chose my Passion that would've left me dirt poor over a Practice that would afford me a lifestyle that I knew I wanted.

Was that the right decision?

38 years later - I still don't know the answer but you get the picture.

So here's a 2nd example.

My daughter entered college not really knowing what she wanted to do and, against my will, but not including my pocketbook cause I had already shelled out over $250000 gross in child support by the time she turned 18), her mother and her decided she would go to Texas State University.

Long story short, my daughter spent 3 semesters and upwards of $60000 figuring out she didn't want to be an accountant or a criminal justice major.

I always thought she would be a great Nurse and had told her that since she was in high school, so I set down with her and did some research on the requirements and the career path and cost of tuition / schooling to do that and the bottom line was as follows.

• Starting RN's at that time, 2012, made a minimum of $60000 per year.
• She could take her existing credits from Texas State, earned at over $315 per semester hour and transfer them locally to Brazosport Community College, and take the remaining pre-requisites for entry into several different Texas Nursing Schools at $55 per semester hour at BCC.
• Once the Nursing Prerequisites were met, she could apply for entry into universities such as University of Texas Medical Branch in Galveston (the oldest and one of the most renowned Nursing Schools west of the Mississippi - founded in 1896) for $205 per semester hour and it would only take 3 additional semesters to get here BS in Nursing.
• What all this meant was that for less than $18000, she could get a 4-year degree with a BS in Nursing, take her Texas certification for Registered Nurse immediately after receiving her degree, and be working a month later making $60000 + / year in a Texas hospital.

Now if that's not Bang for the Education Buck - $60000 / year income for an $18000 college cost - then I don't know what is.

At this point, she is making a good living and enjoying her career.

While she is on the long term career path to being financially independent, she is living a comfortable, self-supporting lifestyle as a 24-year old single woman.

So, from these 2 examples, one of the ways to step off the "Shaky Ground between Have to and Want to" is to what????

Get a Fucking Education in a vocation that makes more than $60000 / year for a single member household income!!!

Now before all you folks out there without College Educations start flexing on me, understand this.

I know quite a few people out there who have no degrees or 2 year technology or technician degrees who are Craftsman, Specialists or whatever vocation fits this career plan like Welders, Pipefitters, Chemical Plant Operators, Rig Operators, Instrument and Electrical Technologist, Plumbers, Electricians and other trade crafts and they make GREAT MONEY - many make more than people with 4 year degrees.

So this is another path - but they still had to put in their time to learn the vocation that rewards them with an adequate income - Remember the 10000 hours!!!!

Now here's the Contra Statement to this Learning - 

If you don't make the right decisions in the 18 - 25 year range on determining a career path that will yield an adequate income that will outpace inflation, then you will find yourself on the...

Shaky Ground between Have to and Want to -

Because you'll always be working for the Man.

Ok - enough preaching about Education and Career and Adequate Income Brother Wills - 

Let's move onto another field of decision making where the Shaky Ground between Have to and Want to resides.

Relationships!

Let me lay out this little scenario for you and I don't want to hear a bunch of feedback about monetizing wives and kids and marriages.

If you're stupid enough - excuse me - there's the Dark Side of Wills coming out again - and incidentally I think I will be penning that post next.

Anyway - if you are unwise to the World and the Ways of the World or Unmazebright (there's a Tony Robbins term if I ever heard it) enough such that you don't understand Marriage and Kids is a Huge Financial Commitment and Drain on your past, present and future income and self, health and well-being....

Then just Rock On Einstein and see how far that gets you - like in the Poor House or Family Law Court or an Early Grave.

In a nutshell, if you are marrying someone - don't matter which side you're on - you're the Man or the Woman - and that other someone doesn't have a clue about money and how to make it and budget it and spend it and save it - or you're the one that's like that and then you start compounding the problem by having kids that cost even more money and you're not making enough money to support all this ShitStorm of Loving, Touching and Squeezing, then you're gonna find yourself real quick -

Standing on the Shaky Ground between Have To and Want To.

Cause you're gonna be working 12 - 16 hours a day 6 - 7 days a week to try to make ends meet.

The other element is just the wear and tear on your Mind, Body and Spirit that an unhappy, unhealthy relationship can have on you.  It's not so much being a Money Drain as it is a Mind Fuck.  You find yourself working for someone in a relationship that you don't really want to be working for...

Or even being around.

Either one of those Relational Issues will make you a stressed out, unhappy person.

Let me put it this way -

I'd much rather be the Lady at Praxis talking about the Shaky Ground between Have to and Want to being the decision on whether or not she does a hard workout on a sunny day in Santa Fe.

Because that implies she's got a lot of shit going right -

She cares about her body and her health enough to be working out.

She's got the extra time in her life, career and family commitments to be working out.

And most importantly, she's got a career that allows her to pay the monthly dues at a CrossFit style gym, so that she can work out.

Sounds like somewhere along the way, she made the right decisions about Education, Careers, Money and Relationships.

There's enough Potholes, Traps, Trips, Piles of Dogshit and Shaky Ground that have to be stepped over, around and avoided in this Path of Life already.

Get past the majority of those in Life by making Good Decisions that affect the Critical Crossroads of Career and Relationships.

It's one of the Greatest Discoveries and Keys to Success and Happiness you will ever experience.

Sing it Delbert!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7JCWoxtGLs