There are Many Mirages in the Desert...

But it only takes One Oasis to Save a Life.

This concept and statement came up in a text conversation I was having with a lady on Bumble.

And Yes - I have recently succumbed to the world of on-line dating.  Well at least for a month or 2 which frankly has probably been a month or 2 too long.

I was always of the mind that you should meet people in the natural course of life but have realized that, after being in Santa Fe NM for 4 years, the natural course of meeting someone my age that is single and not so whacked out on their pets or politics or organic food or not wearing makeup that they represent a reasonable prospect for anything other than hidden aversion.... is pretty fucking slim.

Couple that with a 6-month hiatus from Society in the form of a solo 1900 mile trek on the Continental Divide Trail this year and I decided that once I got back to the relational desert of Santa Fe NM, I would give the on-line dating thing a try and got a couple of recommendations on Bumble so I gave it a try.

And I've learned a few things in the short time and the few experiences I've had with Bumble and the women on it.

The main thing is that, just like me, other people my age have a lot of baggage that comes with them - from past relationships, divorces, kids, their parents, siblings, family, deaths, struggles with alcohol, drugs, food, obesity, family violence - you name it.  Most of the time the reason people are single at my age is because they had problems in the past. Period.

So not only do you have to struggle with your own problems, you also have to learn about and deal with the problems of some new person you're trying to get to know.

And from the few women I have corresponded with on Bumble and the even fewer women I've met in person from Bumble, there are a lot of shitty guys out there that have only their own best interest in mind.

I hate to say "All the good ones are already taken" because I'm sure there's a lot of wonderful older single women out there but the problem is there's a lot of fucked up ones out there too... just like the guys.

And you gotta swipe 1000 sand dunes to the left to get to 100 mirages on the right to get to that 1 Oasis in the Desert.

And by that time...

It could be too late to Save a Life and your Love.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjVQ36NhbMk

I can't Drown my Demons - They know how to Swim!

I was listening to a Bullet for my Valentine iHeart channel the other day and heard the song "Can You Feel My Heart?" from Bring Me the Horizon -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6AVRCQBc59w

and this lyric popped into my earbuds and into my consciousness and made me think about an equally catchy lyric I had heard before in the Eminem song "I'm not Afraid" - which incidentally is one of my all-time fave songs -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5-yKhDd64s

"But it's time to exercise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!"

And both of these songs and those particular lyrics made me think about my own demons, because they possess some pretty unique qualities.

You see - my demons are smart, capable, resilient and in good shape.

They know how to swim, how to hide, how to camouflage, morph and cloak themselves.  They are strong, fast, have endurance and patience and know how to adapt to their changing surroundings and environment and, most importantly, they know their Host very well.

I used to think my greatest Demon was Anger - or at least how I expressed Anger.

But I'm not even sure I can call Anger a Demon anymore - maybe more of a Core Characteristic.

And I have pretty much figured out that Anger is almost always preceded by someone trying to force their will on me - repeatedly. To try to put me in my place or better yet - a more convenient place for the person seeking to impose their will on me.

So my Demon Anger is kind of like my Protector.  It defines my boundaries and my limitations and the line between my willingness and capability to be able to accept or deal with other people's bullshit.

My Anger draws a line in the Sand between me and that other person that says "Hey Asshole - you cross this line and one of us is going down!"

It's kind of weird because you just don't hear people talk about Anger anymore. It's been so vilified and hated and locked up and drugged and beaten down that nobody ever admits they have this Demon. And maybe they don't.  Good for them.

I guess another of my Demons that has emerged lately is something I would call Life Apathy.

ap·a·thy

/ˈapəTHē/

noun

1. 
   

   lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern.

   
   

   "widespread apathy among students"

   
   

   synonyms:

   indifference, lack of interest, lack of enthusiasm, lack of concern, unconcern, uninterestedness, unresponsiveness, impassivity, dispassion, lethargy, languor, ennui; rareacedia "widespread apathy among the voters"

I've always been kind of a Loner, but after spending nearly 5 months alone on the Continental Divide Trail this year, I think I realized I am really apathetic about the World around me and the People in it.

I kinda had a Sunday Come to Jesus Moment very late in my 1900 mile trek where I realized that the only Swinging Sonofabitch I could count on in this Life was Me.

I was really the only One in my Life who was genuinely concerned, interested and who cared about Me.

Some might argue that I have driven People away with my Anger thus creating Isolation.  That may be true but I would submit that People's behavior toward me forced me into Isolation.

And that little Life Learning and the Complete Independence that ensued has brought a Sense of Certainty, Finality, Resolution and Peace to my Life.

I got nothing. I want nothing. Nothing really matters. Which is to say I have eliminated most of the Negative Perturbations that have historically disrupted the Equilibrium of my Life.

Which brings me to my last Demon for Discussion - and that is Self-Sabotage.

I actually wrote a post on this a while back -

https://willsonwheels.blogspot.com/search?q=self+sabotage

There's probably not a whole lot of new info to add to that other than I am convinced that what some people would describe as Self-Sabotage is my way of putting an end to something before it becomes a truly destructive force in my life.

Maybe I set my expectations too high but it takes a lot to keep me interested which may be where that Demon Life Apathy comes in.  At this point in my Life, I really don't need or want anything from anybody, I'm not trying to conquer the world or make a lot of money or raise a family or have a lasting relationship.

I've gotten kind of tired and lazy and wracked with Pain and I really just don't have the Initiative, Energy and Motivation to put out the work, sacrifice, compromise and constant vigil not to mention the money, to start any new endeavor.

Perhaps my Self-Sabotage is just a way of keeping me out of trouble.

Could that be the point of this whole self-analysis?

Maybe My Demons know me better than I do and they're just looking out for me.

And to think - all this time I've been trying to get rid of them.

The Truth is Always Visible - No Matter where it Lies

I know I know - is that a catchy play on words or what?  I actually made that up - well it just popped into my head as a result of a text conversation I was having with a friend of mine.

But, in Truth, pardon the pun, it's been a recurring theme in my Life - not because I have any personal ownership of it but because it seems to be a Core Characteristic - one of those things I just can't get away from or hide.

I can probably count on one hand the number of times I haven't been truthful in my life and on those same counts, I can count the number of times things turned out bad because I abandoned the Truth for what I thought, at the time, was some overriding, self-serving or self-defending outcome.

You see I don't have a very good Poker Face. I can't hide my feelings when something or someone pisses me off and I don't try to think of 7 different approaches for diplomatically stating my feelings so that I save the feelings of another person.

For me, the Truth simply stated - and I will use words like Direct and Open - is a Sacred and Necessary thing in my Life.

I hold the Truth to be self-evident because it gives me certain inalienable rights -

Like knowing WTF I'm up against and who I'm dealing with - in Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.

We live in a society where TMI is a cute acronym that makes you sound so judicious and ethically and behaviorally restrained and proper in your delivery of information.

As far as I'm concerned, there's no such thing as TMI, as long as it's the Truth.

Let's take an example of meeting and getting to know someone in a social situation - like a date or dating.

If you have certain characteristics, perspectives, viewpoints, lifestyles, strengths, weaknesses - I think you should let the other party know as soon as possible what those things are.

And I don't mean - oh I like music or hiking or dogs or whatever.

I'm talking about things that define who and what you are and what you aren't and what you can and can't put up with.

I tell people right up front - I can't deal with incompetence, I cuss a lot, whatever you do - Don't do the Socratic Method on me, and I, on rare occasions, have issues with Anger Management - and I'll tell them how to avoid "Pushing my Button".

Which is like waving a red flag in front of a bull - I mean isn't that stupid - that People will actually set out to do what you ask them not to do.

And then they're all shocked and dismayed when the Bull charges and runs over their ass.

So yeah - sometimes the Truth is Brutal.

But for the most apart, the Truth saves Time, Effort and Money.

I was talking to this one lady the other day and in the course of the conversation, she revealed she didn't cook, drank a lot and was bi-sexual.  Ok - that's 3 no-go's for me.

And I remember another first date conversation where the lady explicitly stated that she was only interested in men with big dicks.  Uh yeah - let me disqualify myself ma'am.

And then there's the lady where "I Love You" meant I just want to fuck you and have you as an on-call escort and companion when I come into town.  It took me a while to figure that one out but the Truth always comes out - sooner or later.

"I'm there for you" - when it's convenient for me and doesn't take up too much of my time - oh and I didn't realize you want me to be there for you like 4, 5 or 40 days in a row.  Had that little Truth lie to me a few times too.

"I don't do Sarcasm" - that's a good one for me to know because in the Sarcasm blood type, I am O-Positive.

And then there's those things that aren't True, but People perceive to be True - there's that Confirmation Bias thing again.

I can't tell you how many times that people have assumed that just because I'm an Engineer that I'm an Anal Retentive Left-Brained Only Rigid Asshole.

I'll claim Asshole but none of the other is True.

Or that because I come from Texas I am a Two-Stepping Trump Supporting Conservative.

The Truth is I don't like Two-Stepping or any other structured dancing that requires a prescribed step pattern and I am Conservative about some things and Liberal about others. And am basically apolitical and ambivalent about politics in general.

The Truth is that I have a lot fewer Social filters than most people when it comes to speaking the Truth which has gotten me in trouble quite a few times but kept me out of trouble 20 times that.

And because I'm smarter than the average stump and have an acute attention for detail, I can usually figure out what's coming at me -

The Truth or a True Lie.