I can't Drown my Demons - They know how to Swim!

I was listening to a Bullet for my Valentine iHeart channel the other day and heard the song "Can You Feel My Heart?" from Bring Me the Horizon -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6AVRCQBc59w

and this lyric popped into my earbuds and into my consciousness and made me think about an equally catchy lyric I had heard before in the Eminem song "I'm not Afraid" - which incidentally is one of my all-time fave songs -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5-yKhDd64s

"But it's time to exercise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!"

And both of these songs and those particular lyrics made me think about my own demons, because they possess some pretty unique qualities.

You see - my demons are smart, capable, resilient and in good shape.

They know how to swim, how to hide, how to camouflage, morph and cloak themselves.  They are strong, fast, have endurance and patience and know how to adapt to their changing surroundings and environment and, most importantly, they know their Host very well.

I used to think my greatest Demon was Anger - or at least how I expressed Anger.

But I'm not even sure I can call Anger a Demon anymore - maybe more of a Core Characteristic.

And I have pretty much figured out that Anger is almost always preceded by someone trying to force their will on me - repeatedly. To try to put me in my place or better yet - a more convenient place for the person seeking to impose their will on me.

So my Demon Anger is kind of like my Protector.  It defines my boundaries and my limitations and the line between my willingness and capability to be able to accept or deal with other people's bullshit.

My Anger draws a line in the Sand between me and that other person that says "Hey Asshole - you cross this line and one of us is going down!"

It's kind of weird because you just don't hear people talk about Anger anymore. It's been so vilified and hated and locked up and drugged and beaten down that nobody ever admits they have this Demon. And maybe they don't.  Good for them.

I guess another of my Demons that has emerged lately is something I would call Life Apathy.

ap·a·thy

/ˈapəTHē/

noun

1. 
   

   lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern.

   
   

   "widespread apathy among students"

   
   

   synonyms:

   indifference, lack of interest, lack of enthusiasm, lack of concern, unconcern, uninterestedness, unresponsiveness, impassivity, dispassion, lethargy, languor, ennui; rareacedia "widespread apathy among the voters"

I've always been kind of a Loner, but after spending nearly 5 months alone on the Continental Divide Trail this year, I think I realized I am really apathetic about the World around me and the People in it.

I kinda had a Sunday Come to Jesus Moment very late in my 1900 mile trek where I realized that the only Swinging Sonofabitch I could count on in this Life was Me.

I was really the only One in my Life who was genuinely concerned, interested and who cared about Me.

Some might argue that I have driven People away with my Anger thus creating Isolation.  That may be true but I would submit that People's behavior toward me forced me into Isolation.

And that little Life Learning and the Complete Independence that ensued has brought a Sense of Certainty, Finality, Resolution and Peace to my Life.

I got nothing. I want nothing. Nothing really matters. Which is to say I have eliminated most of the Negative Perturbations that have historically disrupted the Equilibrium of my Life.

Which brings me to my last Demon for Discussion - and that is Self-Sabotage.

I actually wrote a post on this a while back -

https://willsonwheels.blogspot.com/search?q=self+sabotage

There's probably not a whole lot of new info to add to that other than I am convinced that what some people would describe as Self-Sabotage is my way of putting an end to something before it becomes a truly destructive force in my life.

Maybe I set my expectations too high but it takes a lot to keep me interested which may be where that Demon Life Apathy comes in.  At this point in my Life, I really don't need or want anything from anybody, I'm not trying to conquer the world or make a lot of money or raise a family or have a lasting relationship.

I've gotten kind of tired and lazy and wracked with Pain and I really just don't have the Initiative, Energy and Motivation to put out the work, sacrifice, compromise and constant vigil not to mention the money, to start any new endeavor.

Perhaps my Self-Sabotage is just a way of keeping me out of trouble.

Could that be the point of this whole self-analysis?

Maybe My Demons know me better than I do and they're just looking out for me.

And to think - all this time I've been trying to get rid of them.