God Woke Me Up Early This Morning.....

And he said, "Boy, We gotta have a talk."

And I said "Ok, I'm all ears.  I'll listen.  Can't guarantee you I'll do anything but I'll listen.  So what's on your mind?"

So God says, "You been doing a lot of talking, but not much walking."

I'm thinking - Oh boy - here it comes.

You see - if you've read more than a week's posts on this blog - you'd know I have had this running battle with God my whole life. 

We've come to this agreement - God doesn't mess with me and I don't mess with God.

Only He never keeps his end of the bargain.....What a Cheater!

Now and then, he comes up with this "We gotta have a talk" routine.

So here we go again....

So after a little pause, I fired back "What do you mean - I'm talking but not walking?"

He said - "Well I been reading your blog."

You coulda knocked me over with a feather.... God reads my blog.

So Smart Guy - Strike that - Smart Ass Guy that I am - I said "I don't see you listed as a follower."

God just ignored that statement and says....

"What I mean is that you talk about Discovery of All That I've Created and Understanding of All That Surrounds You including Yourself and using that experience to better Yourself for the benefit of your Own Life and Those Around You but YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY BETTER! 

You're ignoring your weaknesses, your vices, your attitude, your actions and it's hurting you and those you love.

I can't help You unless You Help Yourself."

So, I'm thinking, Ok - I might get out of this alive because God's not saying anything specific.  He's just talking in generalities about me being a better person.

But me being the Person I am that I shouldn't be, I can't keep my mouth shut, so I say....

"God - that's all well and good, but it's kinda hard to act on these Motherhood and Apple Pie statements.  You got something specific in mind?"

He says - "Glad You Asked!"

Oh boy - I did it again - Open Mouth Insert Foot....

God continues - "You got a lot of things - I guess you call them vices - that you're doing that are hurting you."

I'm starting to feel a little uneasy at this point cause I know God's talking about Change and you know how I hate Change.

So He says "You Drink Way Too Much Coffee - I want you to cut back."

I just look at him and said "No Way - You can send me to Hell - I ain't giving up my coffee!"

God gives me a sideways glance and says -

"Ok - I'll let you keep your coffee.  But you're Smoking a Pipe.  Come on - You're talking about improving your Life and Health through Lifestyle, Diet and Exercise and You Smoke a Pipe.... What kind of message does that send to your body and your readers?"

I thought for a minute, knowing I wasn't gonna quit smoking but realizing I needed to be careful cause I was talking to God and said.....

"First of all - I only got 22 followers so it's not like I'm corrupting the whole world and Second of All - HELL NO! I'm not gonna quit smoking! You got anything else for me?"

God just gives me that Patient, Fatherly, Concerned look and says....

"You drink too much.... It's not good for you, it affects your judgment and sets a bad example to those around you."

I just said "Excuse me" and got up and went into the kitchen and came back and set down on the edge of the bed and raised my glass of tequila and said "Here's to getting me to stop drinking."

The Patient, Fatherly, Concerned look turned into a brow bending scowl and God growls at me and said...

"You know.... I"m getting a little tired of you.... I got better things to do than mess with someone who doesn't appreciate my help, but I do have one last request for your best interest.... I strongly recommend you think about it."

I realized at that point I had pissed God off which is kinda hard to do but I could piss off the Pope and that's only one step down from God so...... Anyway....

God continues "You cuss too much.  You get onto your daughter for her language and display of misbehaviour on Facebook.  Where do you think she gets that from?  You have got to clean up your garbage mouth and your display of it on this blog!"

Hmmm..... let me think about that for a minute.... The first thing I'm thinking is - He's right - which always pisses me off.... cause He's always right kinda like somebody else I know. The second thing I'm thinking is I might be able to get something I need out of this.... So my mind is working pretty fast....

I started to say "Stop Cussing? You gotta be F'g kidding me!" but I decided I better not....cause I was talking to God and besides a plan was coming to mind - a plan that would benefit me... and after all, it is all about me - right?

"Tell you what God... it's like this.  I got this Monster Bicycle Tour starting this Saturday.  I'm riding from Seattle WA to San Diego CA through some of the most beautiful, rugged and imposing terrain You ever created.  It looks like it's gonna be about 2000 miles of Mountains, Rain Forests, Huge Trees, Hairpin Turns, Cliffs and Beaches and I'm gonna be all by myself and frankly..... I'm a little scared and worried."

God just looks at me and says "I already knew all that and have seen the movie."

I hate it when he says that.

I continued "I got a proposition for You - You get me through this 45 day 2000 mile epic journey without any major injury and I promise I'll work on the cussing."

God just shakes His Head and says "No Deal..... You Quit Cussing Now and I'll Protect You on Your Bicycle Tour."

I knew He was gonna say that cause we've had these kind of discussions before but I don't give up easy so I come back with....

"But God, Cussing is part of my Personality, Character and Culture.  I grew up with it and it's a part of who I am."

God says "Yep - it is a part of Who You Are - a Part that's broke that's hurting you, those around you and you need to fix it NOW!"

Ker-thunk.... that hurt.

At this point, I'm getting desperate cause I know how hard it's gonna be to quit cussing so I play my last card....

"There's no way I can quit cussing by myself.... I'm gonna need some help and everybody knows how busy You are and I'm sure You got something better to work on like World Peace or Curing Cancer or Eliminating World Hunger so why don't you go work on that?"

God says "I don't need to help you... I got People for that.  There's People who Care about You in Your Life Who are gonna help you by reminding you of your commitment to me and what it means to you and Me.

I'll work through them to help you.... Cause that's how I roll."

"So let me get this straight.... I quit cussing and you'll protect me on my trip?

You know, God,  I had these heavy duty racks put on my bike and beings that You're like a Spirit and don't weigh much, you reckon You could just take a seat on the Rack Pack behind me and come along for the ride?  It would sure make me feel a lot better about this whole thing."

God just put his Hand on my shoulder and said....

"I got your back."

So We shook hands and said "Deal!"

Frankly, I think I got the better of that deal and it's sure a heckuva (see - I'm already applying the No Cussing editor) than a Deal with the Other Guy!

Thanks God and I look forward to our next early morning chat....

Wonder what Life Improvement that will cost me?